“massages”

While on a date, I was asked about my hobbies.

“Well, I like to read and cook. But not that much. and not really. I’m not reading anything now, and I think cooking takes too much time. Yea actually those are really not my hobbies. And besides, I think saying you like to read and cook is disclosing as much information as saying you like animals and spending time with friends. Okay? Now what??”
I’m not a fan of the question, since I’m not really into any niche hobbies that would reveal any more personality like being into model airplanes (freak), collecting tropical plants (depressed), or training for ultras (freak).

“I like being touched.”
“?”
“Professionally. I like being touched professionally.” “Preferably Asiatic style.”
“?”

Obviously this conversation did not happen. At least not in the way described above. I was asked about my hobbies, and I did say that listing reading and cooking as hobbies is very NPC-like. But I also said that if there was one thing I would enjoy doing very day, it’s massages. Now, it’s a little far-reached to say I enjoy doing them, since I’m really on the receiving end here. But yea, I love massages and with infinite funds I would definitely be getting them daily.

Thai massages, only Thai. I’ve made the mistake once of getting a massage while being in a spa/sauna situation and it’s for the weak. Thai however, it’s not for the weak. No relaxing gentle pressure with ylang-ylang oil, no, they will use one forearm as a rolling pin, the other forearm as a driving force so intense, it will squeeze every last living sin out of your body.

It’s a humbling experience. (Un)fortunately, my default behavior towards the service-industry is extremely humble (as anyone working in it will understand). Therefore, I steadily answer the question “is the pressure ok mam?” with a restrained “uhummyes”-mumble.
No, the pressure is not ok. It usually feels as if their bare bones are scraping along my bare bones and often times I’m just fighting for my life to keep my muscles relaxed (ironic). But my momma didn’t raise no impolite b*tch, instead she raised a people-pleasing person, so no, saying the words “I’m sorry, this is too intense” to my masseuse or “actually, this fish is way too overcooked” to my server, would never leave my mouth. Besides, if they can handle listening to “relaxing zen music with water sounds” 8 hours on repeat, I can bear through a massage.

I feel like I’m already exceeding the two minute-reading limit I promised you guys so let’s just end this with some final thoughts. One: I have a friend who will always listen to a podcast during a massage – leave a comment: is that psychotic or efficient?
Another thought: I think massages fall into the category of ‘self-care’, so next time your date asks you about your hobbies, don’t be shy.
Actually, be your fully narcissistic self, and say you love to indulge in bodily pleasures such as buying makeup, doing skincare, or getting massages. Any contempt and it will immediately flag you a form of Misogyny Light™ (a topic for another blog entry, I’ll circle back to that later.)

Cheers! And thanks for reading!